Unsent Letter: 002

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall 

If I live my life today in a way that I used to live my life before, I would just probably end up lurking online again and talk to a bunch of strangers and tell them everything I know to sound like a smart one and lead them on even if I know that I will just end up receiving bad words from them. That fact would be buried by the lie that these people would fill a certain hole in my heart that no one else can fill. But I won't. Because you already ended that excruciating cycle. You ended it. All of the boys I've loved before was bound to the gates of hell but you were not. You are different; the best and last lesson indeed. 

There are lots of things in my mind right now. 

One was the things that person that I don't want to be will do in the reality that just hit me. Part of me wanted to ask why? Why can't I just love you? Why can't I just have this true love forever? Why are you only a lesson to me? Why are you so good and yet I can't have you? My past self would definitely rebel. It's either, I would look for someone who can replace you even if I know it's temporary. But then again, I would not do that anymore and bottom line is, no one can ever replace you or I would swear to myself that I'll just be alone forever and let myself soak in the idea that maybe home was not a person but home was literally the feeling when your tired body would hit the bed and let you rest and sleep. But when I think of it that way, that small dream of mine on becoming a good mom sinks in. I guess that little dream would never come true because I don't see anyone who's gonna be a better dad that anyone else but you. I'd like to think, I'll teach my future kids things that my parents should have taught me but never did and raise them in a way that they should be but thinking of it, how can a poison bear another poison?  I just couldn't let a child live a life of suffering. The curse must end in me. Let it die with me. I exactly know what it is to be a poison and I won't let another experience it. 

Another thought was just straight up lyrics of the song, "But who knew the rolling seasons would reveal that sometimes we aren't meant to be the one?" We aren't meant to be because you're meant for someone else - someone who has a similar personality like you, someone who is bold, brave and beautiful, someone who could literally book a flight to go back to the Philippines just to take care of you, someone who are destined to remove the pain that I have caused you, someone who can literally calm your world, someone whom you will call and look for when you're in so much pain, someone who is worth sacrificing for and whom you are willing to sacrifice for, someone that is already planted in your heart that keeps on blooming. And it hurts. I wanted to shout. I wanted to cuss. I wanted to say every bad words just to let the pain all out. I wanted to drink. Gusto ko malasing. Gusto ko umiyak. Gusto ko magwala. But all of them are just worldly feelings. 

Then there's part of me who wants to believe in fairytales and dramas - Is there really no hope for us? Maybe, there's no such thing as a rich guy that falls in love with the poor girl? or maybe, we're like  "Baby, angels like you can't fly down hell with me" although I learned already that we're higher than angels. But literally, we're just from different world. Here and there - the one we both see and the one you can see but I can't. Hindi tayo compatible. In all levels. You were too good to be true for me. You're too much for me, in a very very good way. Perhaps, hindi kita abot at hinding-hindi kita maaabot. Kahit anong gawin ko. Kahit anong iyak ko, kahit anong luhod ko. Wala. Kahit ano. 

But thinking of it deeply while I am typing this, telling you these things right now is so selfish because you are laying on your bed right now, in so much pain, just sleeping all day because of the pain and yet, here I am, still writing this instead of doing things for you. I wanted to come to you, visit you, alagaan ka, hindi matulog and just stay by your side but I couldn't. Hindi ako basta basta makakalabas. I wanted to go there, kahit madaling araw pa yan. Kahit hatinggabi, I wanted to go there. But how can I when you are literally in the place where I can't go near to? I just can't do anything. Gusto kitang yakapin, hawakan kamay mo all night but how can I? How can I when you despise me so much? How can I when all you feel for me was anger?

I am telling you these because it's been a long time since  I am bottling it all up. But right now, all I want is for you to be okay. You see, that someone wants to spend time with you and she loves you so much. I wanted to say, just let me be the one gone but my life isn't worthy. There are still lot of things that I have to do for my family but honestly, I wanted to say, can you do it all for me and just let me sacrifice once and for all. Let me suffer, let me be gone, let my existence end so all of you won't suffer anymore because my life is a trash. Unlike your lives, that are bound to do great things and touch people's lives. 

If I am given a chance to pray, that is my prayer; For you to be okay; for the pain to be gone; for the responsibility of 10k, 14k and 12k to be transferred to me; let all the sickness be mine and let me suffer from the things I should suffer from and I hope in that struggle, I'll met Him. We'll met Him.