Unsent Letter: 002

"Magsend ka lang ng ganitong photos kapag hindi mo sa akin ma-explain nararamdaman mo." 

This resonates to me from time to time. I hope, we will really able to do this without stirring our emotions. That day, I remember two photos the most among the pictures that you sent me and it is my hope and prayer, that you will keep on sending me photos. I am looking forward to it every day.

Manatili ka 

huwag mo siyang iiwan

sa kahabaan ng magdamag 

samahan mo siyang sisirin 

ang pinakamalalim niyang takot at lungkot 

tulungan mo siyang harapin

ang pinakamalaki niyang 

pagsubok 

This was the first one that hit right through me. Perhaps, this is why everytime you push me away, I'll always say, "I am holding you. I am still here" because I am always reminded by this, so no matter how much you push me away, the more that I want to make you feel and know that I am still here, even not romantically. I am just still there, waiting for you to share the burden to me. I want to feel your burden, your pain, even the smallest detail that makes you feel sad, everything. I actually asked Him about this. God knows that I am not a social butterfly. I tend to lose energy after a social gathering. But when it comes to you, I really do not know where all this energy and heart comes from - the heart that is willing to listen and to understand. Sometimes, I do not know how can I comfort you; how can I make you feel that I am still here and I am holding you? Whenever that happens, I just whisper to God in prayer that he will remind you that I am still here, someone is still holding you aside from Him and I will not let you go until He tell me so. 

Babawi ako sa'yo 

Pagkatapos manalasa nitong bagyo.

Kapag umayon na muli sa akin ang mundo. 

Kung danasin ko na ulit ang paglago, 

at tuluyang makaahon sa mga dinanas kong pagkabigo. 

Pangako - 

babawi ako sa'yo. 

This second one is just so beautiful. I remember, one time, I was hurt because of the argument we had. I asked God why he does not want me to give you up when it hurts so much that time. Although I know as well in myself that I just can't give you up like that. I thought of it and I guess he touched you because after that prayer, you said something to me that made my emotions validated. You made me feel valued and loved days before that but during that day, for the first time, I felt understood. Everytime I reread this poem, I am always overwhelmed. It's just so beautiful and I felt so much loved; that you actually thought of giving back to me when the storm you are into, ends. But then there's also a thought of, "Babawi? Para saan? Hindi mo naman kailangang bumawi." Wala ka namang dapat bawiin. Wala namang nasasayang na oras. Hindi naman nagbabago ang halaga mo sa akin dahil lang lang nasa gitna ka ng bagyo at pagkabigo. Hindi pa man dumating ang paglago, gaano man katagal  yung prosesong yun, mahalaga ka at kamahal mahal ka. Walang dapat bawiin kasi your existence is already enough - the way you laugh when you tell stories about your friends, the way you protect them, the way you care for them, the way you consider them. 

Do you remember when I said  hindi ko mahanap sa kahit anong song, movie at kung ano pa mang poetic na mga bagay yung sitwasyon na mayroon tayo. As someone who puts her heart more to song lyrics and movie scripts, I tend to live with all the definition and description by heart. But this whole situation of us is kinda weird to me. How come there are no photos or songs that really touch this whole situation? There's only one thing I know that describes this whole situation to me:

"This is what love looks like - a love that puts me first; a love that is made to worship and honor me. And you are not restricted from loving someone; in fact, you can still love someone from afar, in silence, and even in waiting and it's one of the most beautiful things my creations can experience." 

Maybe, in waiting, I am really doing that. Hindi naman ako pinagbabawalan ni Lord na magmahal regardless kung ibabalik or hindi. I just know that love is just one of the beautiful things that God allows me to experience. This is my first time; to feel so much love for someone; to be led by God on this kind of situation because I did not consider him before. Alam ni Lord kung gaano ako katigas sa ganitong mga bagay. But these days, I am surrendering it to him. And I am forever grateful for the honor and privilege that he has been teaching me a lot of things, every single day.