Unsent Letter: 003

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails - Proverbs 19:21

I am the type of person who loves to plan. I always invest for a planner at the end of the year which I can use for the coming year. Sometimes, even my mom would tell me how courageous I am on planning things. Most of the time, I plan things and will just tell them for a heads up if I can do it or not. I can recall big decisions and plans I made wherein I really really prayed for it. When I was a Junior High School, deciding whether I'll take HUMSS or STEM. From elementary to JHS, I am more inclined with communication arts. I was into campus journalism and literary and virtual arts. I spent most of my high school working on our school paper and competing for poster making / painting contest or filmmaking. My teachers knew that math and science are my weaknesses. Most of them were shocked and felt sad that I dedicated my 4 years in junior high school on campus journalism; competing in division and regional levels, only to take STEM in SHS. But it was during JHS that I felt that God has been calling me and giving me a heart for medicine. I thought, it was absurd at first. I just can't believe I am dreaming that big. I do not excel in math and science. I know we don't have the financial capability for me to go to med school. But I prayed for it. I prayed so hard for it. And I know, the fact that me being in BS Biology Major in Medical Biology in PLM was a testimony of how God continue to fulfill his promise in my life. 

Another was when I am going to college. I was already enrolled as a Medical Laboratory Science student in OLFU when the PLMAT results was released. But I was marked as "Advising" which means that I have passed PLMAT but my scores did not qualify with all the courses that I chose: BS Biology, BS Psychology and BS Physical Therapy. I have been told that students under advising will have to wait for all the qualified students to enroll or not. The slots that will remain will be given to us but the course will not be as certain as the course you applied for. If I have to pull out my enrollment in OLFU and say yes to PLM, that means I will have a slot in PLM and agree to wait to whatever course they will give me. I pulled out my enrollment and said yes to PLM. Saying yes when it was uncertain was a leap of faith. I remember exactly how I found out I was eligible to enroll in BS Biology. I was with my friends earlier that day and one of them told me that it was quite wrong for me to pull out my enrollment when things are uncertain. I was on my way home riding a jeepney when a friend I met through PLMAT sent me a message that she already got an email from PLM (She was advising too!). I immediately opened my laptop to check the result when I got home. Lo and behold! With God's grace, I was eligible to enroll in BS Biology. I cried to my family and thank the Lord. 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1

Now that I am one and a half semester away from graduating from BS Biology, I know the next step was to enter medical school. But I know our finances our tight and I am not even sure yet with what my NMAT results would be considering I'll only start reviewing in less than a month before the exam. But this is not the only thing I am thinking of. This is not the only thing I am surrendering to Him. Suddenly, someone came in the picture. This time, you're becoming part of the plan which was not originally in the picture. It was indeed confusing. I have plans for myself. I wanted to go straight to med school, work at the hospital and have my own house and car by 30 years old. And I always tell myself that when time comes, I will enjoy things alone and learn that home is not a person but it is a feeling the moment my aching back hit the bed after a long tiring day at work. Ang dami kong plano in the next 8 years. Nakatimeline na. Pati mga goals ko. I know that there are individuals who are meant to spend their lives without a partner. But maybe, God answered my prayers when I was still in high school - to give me a man after his heart. I remember writing a poem entitled, "After God's Heart" when I was 14 years old to express that. I was the girl who would dance to the lyrics of Newsboys' Something Beautiful, "I know this is true. It's calling out to me. It's a voice that whispers my name. It's a kiss without any shame. Something beautiful". 

This whole season, what He only told me is, this season will be full of wisdom, teaching and knowledge. He didn't say yes or no but he did not want me to give you up. In a short span of time, God led me to what love is and that definition and description has been the talk of this blog entries. I thought of it so deeply. I know that the last thing we talked about today was about you being my sure thing. I told you that I am still praying for it - that maybe, God really just wants me to spend my life alone that is why I have thiat desire, really. But God has made me realized that in my case, these are lies. I was just afraid to meet people; to show my vulnerability; to show the ugly parts of me; to hurt someone; to be misunderstood. I was overly emotionally sensitive, my pride. I always thought that I am too complex to be understood; that no one would really understand and be patient with me. I realized, I have been depriving myself from experiencing what love really is. 

But today, I thought of it so deeply and asked God about it eagerly. 

When I look back, all of these surprises became my testimonies that I would love to tell people over and over again. Thinking deeply, these are times of uncertainties. These are the big moments in my life that I am praying for. Although there are small moments too, but these bigger moments are the ones that are full of confusion, waiting and uncertainty. And this whole situation of us, is very confusing and uncertain too but I trust God. I trust his plans. In this waiting season, I asked God if will you be there at the end of this season? Will you be there waiting for me? If not, then God has been teaching me a lesson, perhaps. Sometimes I still think, does he really like me? Because I always doubt people who express it to me. I am certain that I like him, Lord but does he really like me too? I am not as intelligent as other people, I am not attractive like the others. I do not fit in the description of the society of what beautiful and what attractive is. I am bothered by the thought of people seeing us together and compare. We lived in a very different world. We know our differences in our status. But you have this way of making me feel comfortable around you despite that difference. Your love covers it all. Some other time, my mind would deceive me and feed me lies. 

Sabi ko nga, mas nakakakaba mag yes ang Lord. When He said yes to me this morning, I cried so hard. These uncertainties hit me; my insecurities, my status, etc. I was worried. I asked God to speak to me, even through songs, that's when Rachael Lampa and TobyMac's Perfectly Loved played on my spotify. 

Suddenly, all those worries and uncertainties were replaced with surrendering as an act of faith. And I was reminded by Sab's letter and I had to reread it again. And whisper, "Lord, is this what those uncertainties mean? "

Perfectly Loved- Rachael Lampa and TobyMac 

Who said that you weren't beautiful
And that you didn't belong in your own skin?
Who said that you were all alone
And that you're never gonna find love again?
So many little words, so many little lies
That have followed you all of your life
Looking for the truth, look into your eyes
And you'll see it's been there the whole time
Ooh, even when you were running
Even when you were hiding
Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved
When you barely believed it
When your eyes couldn't see it
Every single moment, you've always been perfectly loved
Ooh, perfectly loved
You've always been perfectly

But who am I para tanggihan si Lord? I was bargaining if I can delay this on telling you. At that thought, a message came. It was from you. You were saying sorry about yesterday. And I actually couldn't believe it; that you'll say sorry multiple times to me. And most of all, Neil, if saying yes to you means saying yes to God, no matter how uncertain things are and hesitations might come, I would gladly step out in faith and trust in him and say yes to you. I am trusting him. 

Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house, to the room of the one who conceived me. 

- Song of Solomon 3:4