Unsent Letter: 001

I have prayed to God for years to learn what love looks like. For some reason, I really can't remember how it feels and looks. I know that God is love and he's the definition of perfect love but I can't seem to understand and picture it. But today, days after meeting you, I have learned about it.

It was a random rainy night after the day I have prayed that I am surrendering and letting God take control of the things I can't control - the whole idea of you and me. I was wondering why God chose me to wait instead of saying "yes" or "no"; why did he only tell me that this season is my season for wisdom, teaching, and knowledge? 

My mind runs through every light the public vehicle is passing by, asking why God let me still have you; that he has not been giving me a heads up to give you up when all your friends do not want us to happen? Why did God allow me to feel his sovereignty that I have to focus more on my season and yet allow you at the back of my mind? He knows in my heart that I like you but why did he still not want me to give you up?

And suddenly, a thought came to me as if God is speaking to me,

"This is what you have been asking me for years. This is what love looks like - a love that puts me first; a love that is made to worship and honor me. And you are not restricted from loving someone; in fact, you can still love someone from afar, in silence, and even in waiting and it's one of the most beautiful things my creations can experience." 

And I started thinking, Lord, what if I am done with this season? I waited patiently for your answer and in case you said yes, but he was not there anymore, what will I do? What if you said yes, Lord when he doesn't like me anymore and he became certain that what he felt was unsure? 

It pointed me again to the fact that God's ways are higher than mine and I will never understand some of the things he does - if that will happen, maybe, you were really just a lesson and maybe God has just been really teaching me and reminding me what love looks like. And with that, I am forever grateful.